unfinished

its when we grow up, that we finally begin to comprehend the past. yet even though the past is inevitable and must come one day or another, we fight our damnedest to leave the past behind and move into our future, even though our future is no clearer than our past. we lose innocence when we grow up. we struggle to find brilliance and awe in the little treasures in our lives. childhood innocence is gone with the blink of an eye and we lose sight of the people who kept us from our breaking point over the years, through awkward childhood chubbiness and horrible fathers. even when we grow physically, mentally we are immature and naive. mentally, some of us, we never age, stuck in a state of striking blame and humiliation we fight for our place in the hearts of unloving people. people who manipulate our feelings and break our hearts.

why we are the way we are.

I never quite understood why i am the way that i am. everyday i search for the real me. i don't think i'll ever stop until i find myself. i seem to have lost my identity. misplaced, lonely. i look in the mirror scared and confused, thoughts sprouting scattering throughout my brain like wildflowers. dreams, hopes, fears, trageties, misfortunes, wonders, racing to see which will become my destiny.
caution thrown to the wind. dreams i once had, have now set sail and are long gone, anchored on the shores of unhappiness. every once and awhile venturing out, caught in the currents, struggling, losing breath. but the lucky ones make it. they become real. thier masks of doubt slowly wash away with the water. they face the world. struggle, lies abuse will no longer hold them back, will no longer hold her back. they will no longer hide behind thier insecurities. they are real, true, honest. she is real...
i have no idea why i am the way that i am. i look up at the stars. i have hopes and dreams. i float along in my little boat of safety and the sea of loneliness. i can see others floating too. they are confused and scared as well. i want to ask them for help, or for directions, or ask them how i get off this crazy boat. "excuse me sir, i want off this thing." he doesnt hear me. he can't hear me! they are all lost in thier own seas. their own insecurities and abuse. tangled in thier own web of lies.
the truth is all i want. its all i need. affrimations. someone to tell me that they care. someone to tell me that everything will be alright. someone to dream with me. someone to keep me company in my boat. then i found you. someone who understands. someone who listens. now i know i've got all i need. i know things aren't always perfect. too many people strive for perfection. but thats not all i want out of my life. perfection? is there even such a thing? i doubt it.
i want to rescue all my lost hopes and dreams from the shores of unhappiness. i wonder if you'll help me, no! nevermind i need to do this on my own. but i can't. too many of these lost hopes and dreams keep crashing into my boat, i changed my mind. please help? i need you to help me set sail into my own life.
i'm still not sure why i am the way that i am. i'm still lost. still confused. i've set sail but i'm heading for the rocks. but still, thank you for your help. life, love, dreams slowly begin to creep back into my boat. maybe things will get better. as i gaze out over the horizon of all my possibilities, i notice us. you and i once again. you have finally returned to me. but that slowly disapears. i'm starting to feel like i'll never find myself. and i still don't understand why i am the way that i am. all my emotions rush back to me, memories, some better than others. but the ones of you are wonderful.
all the memories still flooding me. i want them to go away. i need them to go away. they've left to scared. they hurt so much. i need you to make them stop... but you can't because your gone.
even with them trying to tug me back, i continue on my journey to finding myself. when i'm alone i find myself thinking of you. i don't want to because my heart aches. i'm always glad when someone or something directs my attention and thoughts away from yyou. please forgive me for letting you go. the master of death has too much control of my ship. then as i'm thinking of you it hits me, we are one, i am because you are. and you are me!

attitude on life

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

Charles R. Swindoll

infinite

"Where all you need is that perfect song, on that perfect drive to feel infinite." -Stephen Chbosky. my favorite quote of all time! it just makes so much sense to me. thats all we need. a place to feel infinite. through all of the things that happen, we need to find a place where we feel infinite. whether it be a specific location or a mental state of mind, it is a place we need to get to in our lives.